Calamus Fire Department was located in a village of 800 inhabitants. The annual budget was $53,000 a year. Members were paid a stipend for meetings, training and fire calls. Though they responded to rescue calls, money was not paid for them. The chief was paid a premium for meetings, but earned the same as everyone else at a fire. Most years, the department would respond to 60 calls.
It was Friday evening at 1800 hours. A call has just been received from county dispatch that the ethanol facility had an activated alarm. ‘Probably a raccoon or a cat’, thought Chief Harold (Diesel) Forrester.
72-year-old Chillie Gomez pulls into the handicapped space at the fire station, but can’t get his seat belt unfastened. His pathetic cries for help are ignored by other responding firefighters. The ‘young whippersnappers’, as he called them would not take the time to help him.
‘Screw him; let the old fart rot’, they said.
As the doors to the station go up, Joe Biddle pulls in. He has just returned from his afternoon dance lessons because ‘that’s where the real hot chicks are’. He tries unsuccessfully to unsnap Chillie’s seat belt and remembers that he has a seat belt cutter in his truck. While cutting the seat belt, he cuts off the tip of his right, index finger, the elastic waistband in Chillie’s Sansa-Belt slacks and of course, the seat belt. Chillie complains loudly that it will cost him a fortune to replace the seat belt (‘It’s a Cadillac’, he says). Joe agrees to pay for the slacks, but wants a receipt and then helps Chillie into the station.
The EZ lift on Engine 33 works flawlessly and delivers Chillie into the drivers’ seat. As he dons his 2-inch thick driving glasses, it is clear that Chillie has been there many times. His co-pilot, the Wonder Kid, Bucky Dillon puts his nose to the air and declares ‘something smells like crap in here!’ Chillie confesses that he crapped himself while straining to yell at the young whippersnappers. Bucky reminisces that its bouquet reminds him of a fluffer he laid at the Brickyard 1000. That year before the race, he consumed habanera peppers, stuffed with seasoned turtle meat, onions, chili, cabbage boiled in Old Milwaukee beer, then cooked in Tabasco-flavored Crisco. He washed it down with an exciting, vintage AB Natural Light. It was an excellent month! In the race that year, Tony Stewart and Dale Jr. tied for first place. Jeff Gordon was killed when he was bumped into the wall by that little girl on a bicycle from the Pepsi commercial. Nonetheless, he still won the Nextel/Viagra/Summer’s Eve Cup Series. His widow now lives with Kyle Petty’s ponytail.
Meanwhile, Skipper Muldoon struggled to get into the rescue truck. He was wearing bunker pants that were almost completely covered with duct tape. He was arguing with his imaginary friend, Ace.
Hawkeye Johnson yelled that he would man the base radio. When he was asked why he was yelling, he said that his wiener dog had swallowed one of his hearing aids and he could only hear in the left one. ‘Not to worry’, he said, ‘the wife is home waiting for the dog to pass it’. He was told to turn up the radio REAL loud!
Chillie threw the truck into gear and immediately backed into the kitchen wall. Undeterred, he pulled ahead and hit the mayor’s car head on. The mayor had pulled in to see what all the commotion was. While they were removing parts of his car from the grill of Engine 33, the rescue truck was successfully jump-started; not bad for a vehicle with 467,000 miles on it. On the apron, there was an argument over who should pull out first. Skipper pulled out his 400-in-1 tool; Chillie backed down!
Chief Diesel was already at the scene, yelling frantically into his radio. He’d forgotten to turn it on. His walker was caught in a drainage grate and he had hurt his back getting out of his car. ‘I may have to have to pass command’, he said to himself.
The rescue truck flew past him and doesn’t stop. Someone in the back seat fingered him. ‘New guy saluting me’, he said to himself.
Engine 33 pulled in and Bucky laid on the air horn. ‘A fitting tribute’, Chief D thought.
‘Get that son-of-a-bitch out of the way, you dumb bastard’, Bucky yelled. A smile came to D’s face as he thought ‘just like his old man’.
Chief D turned on his radio and declared that he was assuming command. Bucky reminded him that he hadn’t been on the department for five years. They reminisced! Cletus Monroe, the dispatcher, was trying to clear the air for emergency traffic. ‘I swore that I would get him some day; maybe fill up his back seat with fresh cow manure’, Chief D says to no one in particular.
Willie Cosgrove pulled in. He had his own auto repair shop just outside of town. It was rumored that he had the fastest Dash Laser in the state. ‘I had my kid, an electrical engineer re-wire it for me. Damn light is so fast and so bright that it damn near makes me pass out to watch it’, he says. Willie has driven from his shop to the incident with his wipers on. ‘For safety’ Chief D says to himself. IT WAS SUNNY AND 85! Willie is looking tan, fit and trim. He’s a fitness freak. He gets the chief’s walker out of the drainage grate, but it’s missing a wheel. He’ll fix it for cost; bring it by the shop on Monday. He informs D that his kid is still coming by the house and eating their food, but now brings his wife and six kids with him. ‘What a stud; just like his old man’, D says to himself. They both head for the scene; Willie with his wipers on and Chief D with his broken radio. He had left it on the hood of his car when he took off. ‘Insurance job’ he says to himself.
Stumpy Waller is pulling hose and looking impressive in his new turnout gear. He turned around; someone had put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on the back of his coat. I looked down; he was wearing running shoes. His running group of Fred, Frank and Scooter jogged by, giving each other high-fives. ‘The excitement of the moment is infectious’, Chief D thought to himself. Turns out, one of them had farted. No one knew who; they were all taking credit! Stumpy turned around to wave at them and Wilbur Laskey snatched to nozzle from him.
Johnny (AC/DC) Malone jumped from the rescue truck looking very intense. ‘Gonna cut power’, D says to himself. Johnny headed for the corner of the building. He had to pee real bad.
Battalion Chief Dinky Hurlbutt steps from the rescue truck carrying something on his right shoulder. It looks like a boom box. He tells D proudly that it’s his new, portable radio. ‘Never been used’ army surplus. ‘You can still smell the cosmolene’ says Dinky.
Paddy Watkins is playing to the crowd that has assembled. He’s shaking hands and rubbing the heads of small children. ‘Good fire department PR’, D says to himself. Paddy announces that he’s running for mayor. The roar from the crowd is underwhelming!
Meanwhile, the alarm is still going off. The call for mutual aid has already gone out. Lucas Fire Department radios that they are enroute; Dispatch had pressed the wrong button. At about the same time, 20 guys from Oxford Fire Department start talking on their portable radios. Clearly, they are upset that they weren’t called. Grizz Tabor says that he’s going to kick someone’s butt.
Shakey Malloy has his SCBA on and he’s climbing a ladder to gain entry. Billy Baker is on the ground, turns the doorknob and the door opened. He yelled to Shakey to come down. As Shakey kicks the air in disgust, he falls to the ground. Tiger Jordan is standing next to the truck and he’s thrusting his fist into the air as if he’s celebrating. He had managed to get out of the truck without assistance! He had a habit of locking himself into the cab of the truck, but not this time. He had on an SCBA, a Streamlight, a bag of rope, the vent saw AND a haligan tool, gets thirty feet from the truck when his SCBA alarm bell goes off. He turned to Chief D and says ‘I’m getting too old for this crap!’ It should be noted that Tiger was wearing a full, sixty-minute bottle when he got off the truck.
Slats Olsen was yelling from the cab of Engine 33 that he needed help. ‘Ventilation fan and the heavy irons’ Chief D says to himself. Apparently, Slats had so many tools in the pockets of his bunker pants and coat that he couldn’t lift himself out of his seat. He finally got out of the truck, fell down and resembled a turtle on its back. He broke his 16-channel, vibrating/tone pager with auto recall, readout, printout, fax modem, plush carrying case and a stick that came out and poked him in the ass. He was heard to say that it was the best damned pager that he’d ever owned!
State Police Sergeant Zack Weston was looking into the side mirror of his squad car adjusting his hat and mirrored sunglasses. He was telling Chillie that he wore the sunglasses day and night because ‘the chicks can’t tell where you’re looking’. Chillie thought ‘oh to be young again’ and Zack was thinking that something smelled like crap!
Jeff Jenkins, the department’s resident insurance salesman who masqueraded as a firefighter was over talking to the plant manager about his insurance. The plant manager was unimpressed until Jeff pointed out that their companies had the same colors in their company logos. Jeff was sure that he had made a new friend and customer. He would celebrate with a fresh can of snuff.
Chief D saw Hillman and yelled, ‘Hey, Brian; how’s Trix?’ Brian shot back ‘what’s that suppose to mean?’ D chuckled to himself, ‘The kid still can’t tell when I’m serious or joking.’ Brian likes to take out his Sam’s Club Gold Card and show it off.
After the scene was broken down and everyone was getting ready to return to the station, they noticed that Chillie was missing. He had wandered over by the retention pond and was gesturing like he was casting a fishing pole. ‘Early stages of senility’, Chief D thought to himself. Chillie put up quite a fight until he was told that he could keep the fish that he had ‘caught’.
Back at the station, the men were signing the log. Chief D went in to say his good-byes. He could tell that the guys still enjoyed having him around. He was like an old, comfortable pair of shoes to them. They had forged quite a friendship over the years and a mutual respect. In the old days when Chief D would say ‘Jump’, they’d say, ‘Screw you, Pinhead’. What a great bunch of jokesters!
He went outside to get into his car and he couldn’t find it. ‘Where’s my car? Where’s my car? I can’t find my car. How did I get here? Where am I? Where am I?’
Chief D is shaking. Somebody is shaking him. He sees a bright light. Then he hears a voice.
‘Harold. Harold. Wake up, Harold. You’re having a dream’, says the familiar voice of his wife, Mavis.
‘Am I still chief of Grandview?’ he asks.
‘Yes, you are’, replies Mavis.
‘Whew; for a minute there, I thought I had lost my mind’, says Chief D.
‘You have, dear. Now; go back to sleep’, says Mavis.
Chief D looks out the window at familiar surroundings.
He turned out the light and as he laid his head back down on the pillow, he thought to himself, Where the heck is Calamus?
The article submitted is a fictional account of events-real or imagined. Any similarities to the people, places or situations portrayed are purely coincidental. The article as submitted is published under The Adventures of Jake and Vinnie© umbrella and is the intellectual property of Art Goodrich a.k.a. xchief22 and ChiefReason. It is protected by federal copyright laws and cannot be re-printed in any form without expressed permission from the author.
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