Author’s Note: In light of the many serious discussions lately, I felt that it was time to lighten it up a bit. Please take this in the spirit that it is given.
Chief: The President of the fire board wants a new fire protection plan for the fire district.
AC: But, there’s nothing wrong with the old plan.
Chief: Yeah, but he says that it doesn’t go far enough to cover all the citizens in the district, especially the unincorporated residents. So, we have to do our duty to secure his place in the annuls of fire district history.
AC: So, it’s up to us to convince at least two-thirds of the department that something they haven’t seen yet will somehow be better for them?
Chief: Exactly.
AC: We will have to raise taxes, reduce services, limit coverage and negotiate better pricing from suppliers. Some districts have already lost their coverage or are operating on a shoestring. I think costs might skyrocket for existing departments and their consumers.
Chief: Don’t worry about it. Talk to them. Maybe they will want to opt in with us. We could charge them, which would hold down our costs and besides; we have four years to get this done. Meanwhile, we will be collecting the tax on it now and for the next four years to pay for the new plan.
AC: So, we’re going to be collecting money on a plan that isn’t in place now, but will be four years from now?
Chief: Go Skippy, but we have to get the new plan passed now! We continue under the old plan for now, but we have to get a commitment on the new plan.
AC: Well, we ARE the two most powerful people on the department, so we should be able to twist some arms. No; that might leave a mark. We’ll bribe them instead.
Chief: Let’s say “persuade”. “Bribe” sounds too…you know; dishonest! Call a meeting and tell them what the President wants. Have it catered. Pay for it out of the fund marked “Blago”. I have to go and check the climate. I’ll be back in a week. Make it happen or else…
AC: Roger that. Enjoy your ski trip.
Later, while the children slept and democracy wept…
AC: OK; let’s call this meeting to order, so that we can vote on the new plan that our President of the board wants. I’d like to see a show of hands of those who support it.
Tom Terrific: Uh, Harry? We haven’t heard anything about the plan. Is there something we can read? Anything about it on C-Span? How can we vote on something that we don’t know anything about?
AC: We do that all the time. Look; this is purely hypothetical; you know; an abstract. I thought I emailed everyone. You should have seen it. OK; show of hands…
Made Mary: Excuse me, Harry, but my moral conscience won’t allow me to do this.
AC: Morals have nothing to do with it! It’s about TEAM. You chose your side when you joined the department. Who said that this is a democracy?
Big Ben: You’ve always said that the fire house ISN’T a democracy!
AC: Precisely, so let’s see those hands…need two-thirds.
Tricky Dick: Harry; just so this isn’t a complete waste of time could you rough something out with regards to a plan?
AC: What? You bunch of sissies act like you don’t trust me. You’re still sore because I didn’t get your club memberships into the last budget, aren’t you?
Well, hell! OK; here’s some thoughts and we’re just spitballin’ here. We’ll increase the fees on the young ones, because they will be paying in longer, but in the end, will get less back. Plus, if it gets too expensive for them, they could work two jobs. They need to burn off all of that Red Bull that they drink anyway. We’ll limit what the older ones get to do, but we’ll raise their rates and tell them that it’s going into a pension fund. What we WON’T tell them is that they can’t collect until they’re 85. We’ll also push the public option on them. That’s right; they’ll get to do all of the public stuff like inspections, fire prevention at the schools and my favorite; pulling the trucks outside and washing them in full view of the public. Besides; what’s their options? OK; get those hands up…
Little Joe: Harry; you can forget my vote. I cannot support anything with a public option that is so public. I think that the pension language as written is appropriate, but the board should limit their involvement in the plan.
Meanwhile…
Chief: How’s it going, Harry?
AC: Damn; I’m three votes short of having the majority.
Chief: Who can we turn?
AC: I’d say Mary, Ben and Joe. Leave it to me.
Made Mary: Harry; it isn’t going to work. I have to think about my friends on this department. I told them that I would always put them first. My word is my bond. I am strong; I’m invincible…
AC: I get it. We need an administrative assistant. You get a hybrid car, a laptop, I-Phone and it pays $40,000 a year for work you’ll never do.
Made Mary: DONE!
AC: Buy your friends something nice.
Little Joe: Harry; about that public option…
AC: Joe; you know that you love getting up in front of crowds and speaking to them about your independent style. You’re the hold out; you want me to beg? OK; I’m begging. We’ll take out most of the public option. Inspections stay in because I plan on raising inspection fees to help reduce the deficit. Can you live with that, you bug-eyed chameleon?
Little Joe: See; that wasn’t so hard was it? Compromise, Harry; give and take. But, according to my math, you are still one vote short and I must say that I’m a little disappointed that I am not playing to role of spoiler this time. No rock star sex for me!
AC: I just threw up a little in my mouth. Sit down, Joe and quit pretending that the recycle bin is a podium.
Big Ben: Harry; this plan as you describe it sounds like an abortion and I cannot support it.
AC: How about I limit the choices to your choices, fund them through a satellite agency, hire SEIU to deal with the protesters and have your kid mow the lawn for us?
Big Ben: We don’t have any grass…ah hah; I get it! But, I already know Mary’s deal and Joe sold out too cheaply. I have my pride. My friends are telling me to “kill this bill”. Unless the language in this plan includes certain exemptions, I cannot support it.
AC: I see. I’ll only offer this once. You get Mary’s deal, plus free beer for a year and a Hooters gift card.
Big Ben: I always liked you, Harry. Count me in.
Chief: Well, Harry; how’d we do?
AC: Chief Pelosi, you can tell Barry that he’ll have his plan by Christmas.
Chief: Well done, Assistant Chief Harry Reid. Well done.
Ha, Ha, Ha; Merry Christmas.
TCSS.
Art
This article is protected under federal copyright laws and cannot be re-produced in any form without the expressed written permission of Art Goodrich aka ChiefReason. This article appears under The Adventures of Jake and Vinnie© umbrella.
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Also on Chief Reason …
- That Last Goodbye – February 1, 2010
- Kids Are Like Cats; Mayors Are Like Zombies! – July 27, 2010
I love it! Only a few conversations missing though:
“But Chief, houses are burning down in the poorer neighborhoods and we don’t cover there. Why not get some less expensive resources in here to help?”
“And give up our profit margin? Are you insane? Just bribe…I mean donate to the campaigns of some senators from out of state, that’ll stop the plan that covers more houses. It worked with the Gay Marriage bills.”
“But isn’t that illegal?”
“No, remember a few years back we bribed…I mean lobbied to make our donations covered under a person’s freedom of speech.”
“But our company isn’t a person, but a for profit corporation.”
“Not anymore, Son, we are covered under the law as a person, so get out there and bribe…contribute to the campaigns of at least 41 senators, I don’t care which ones. Offer them whatever they want. Golf trips in Ireland, hookers, a 7 figure salary when they get out of office, whatever it takes. If we don’t make 54 billion next year we’ll have to get into the oil business.”
And yet this is exactly how things have been done for decades. Only this time it helps the little guy instead of the Corporation. When tax breaks went to Exxon, no one thought taxes were too high, but when they go to people like me, all the sudden the taxes are too high?
Well written and very entertaining. Thank you for printing it. You just left out the part about the plan being available for review (unamended of course) since September 2009 here: http://finance.senate.gov/sitepages/leg/LEG%202009/091609%20Americas_Healthy_Future_Act.pdf
If only people would have read it, like the House bill that I read in an afternoon, yet so many refused to even try.
This is clearly a heated topic and I admire you for posting your political views on your site. Thank you.
HM
Nice.