Lou had just concluded a meeting with his fire board, where the hot topic was declining membership in their 110 year-old fire department. He was at his wit’s ends trying to keep enough firefighters manning day calls without resorting to automatic mutual aid.
Talks with the fire commission had turned from possibly consolidating with a neighboring department to disbanding all together. Lou wanted to take one more shot at finding a proven recruitment and retention program. Tomorrow, he would contact his good friend, Tiger and pick his brain on the issues.
But for now, he was going to relax in his office and try to get some reports done. Rook stuck his head in the doorway…
‘Have you seen the folding card table’, asked Rook?
‘Check the supply room’, said Lou.
Rook went down the hallway and opened the door to the supply room. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at three guys sitting in a half-inflated rubber, rescue raft. They were talking back and forth to each other in a gibberish that Rook had never heard before.
They never looked up, so Rook quietly closed the door. He stood there at the door for a few seconds, thought about opening the door again, but talked himself out of it. He walked back down the hallway to Lou’s office.
‘Lou; do you know there’s three guys in the storage room sitting in our old rubber, rescue raft?’ asked Rook.
‘Yeah; you didn’t piss ‘em off, did you?’ asked Lou.
‘No; they didn’t even see me. Who are they?’ asked Rook.
‘Somali pirates’, said Lou.
‘Long ways from home aren’t they; what are they doing here?’ asked Rook.
‘According to their leader, they snuck onto a cruise ship while it was docked, tried to hijack it, got tossed overboard by vacationing construction workers and hitch-hiked their way to here! I figured since we were short-handed, we could use the help’, said Lou.
‘Three Somali pirates tried to hijack a cruise ship?’ asked Rook, while shaking his head and almost laughing.
‘Yeah; Dalmar said that Somali pirates are very tough and very proud. Didn’t say they were smart, though’, chuckled Lou.
‘Come on, Rook. Let’s go talk to ‘em,’ said Lou.
So, they went down the hallway to the supply room. Lou grabbed the door knob, turned to Rook and asked, ‘You ready for this, Rook?’
Then, Lou opened the door.
‘Guys; for the last time, you can’t spend all your time sitting in this old rubber raft,’ said Lou.
‘Dis a pirate speed boat; no rubber raft, as you say. Dis a Somali speed boat and we are pirates. RRRRR!’ said Dalmar, the only one of them who speaks English.
‘Well, Einstein; you aren’t getting’ anywhere fast, now, are ya?’ asked Lou.
‘Me no Einstein. Me Somali pirate. RRRRR! You will see; de tide will come up and you will see nations who will fear us. Day will pay us big money to leave dem alone,’ said Dalmar.
‘How much have you made so far, Rockefella?’ asked Lou.
‘Twenty dollars American and a cell phone dat I upgrade to a pearl; a black pearl. RRRRR! Dat Johnny Depp some actor!’ exclaimed Dalmar.
‘Ok; your taste in actors is lousy. How’s your taste in food, ‘cause it’s your turn to cook,’ said Lou.
‘Somali pirates are excellent cooks. RRRRR! We must do cooking when we working. Somali weemen are stay-at-hut moms,’ says a proud Dalmar.
‘We start with anjera with dipping sauce; then, ambola. For the main course, we fix lamb on a bed of iskudahkaris. Cake for dessert,’ said a smiling Dalmar.
Lou gives them a ‘thumbs up’. The Somalis became furious.
‘How dare you insult us, you, you goat-looking man,’ said Dalmar.
‘Did you just call me a ‘goat-licker’? Wait; how did I insult you? All I did was give you a ‘thumbs up’, even though the only thing I recognized on the menu was CAKE,’ said Lou.
‘See; dare you go again. Raising thumb is insult in my country. Somali pirates KEEL doze foolish enough to do it. RRRRR! Dalmar, Korfa and Nadif have feelings. We good people who happen to be Somali pirates. RRRRR!’ said Dalmar.
‘You want ‘insult’? Pay attention. Watch closely as I extend my middle finger straight up from my fist. How’s that ’? asked Lou.
‘Dat means dat you are Somali pirate. RRRRR! Dat how we salute. I must say dat your city have many Somali pirates. RRRRR! said Dalmar.
‘Anyways, park your boat. We’ll take the rig to get the stuff for dinner,’ said Lou.
‘Yes, yes, Lieutenant Lou. Assalam aliakum,’ said Dalmar, while flipping Lou the middle finger.
‘And remember; you’re friggin’ firefighters; not Somali pirates. RRRRR! Jeez; now you got me doin’ it,’ said Lou.
While enroot to the grocery store, they got dispatched to a jumper, who was on the seventh floor ledge of an apartment building.
As soon as the ladder truck stopped, Dalmar, Korfa and Nadif zipped into the building and up the stairs.
Before the outriggers on the ladder truck were set, a rope came down from the roof with Dalmar rappelling down to the seventh floor ledge.
The jumper looked at him; astonished. ‘Who are you?’ he asked.
‘Dalmar. Day are Korfa and Nadif’, said Dalmar pointing up to the roof. Korfa and Nadif wave at them.
‘We are Somali pi…refighters. grrrr!’ said Dalmar.
‘Don’t try to stop me from jumping.’
‘Why you wanna jump?’ asked Dalmar.
‘Because, I lost my job, lost all my money, lost my apartment, my girlfriend; everything!’ said the jumper.
‘Let us go find deze tings dat you lost. Korfa and Nadif will help,’ said Dalmar.
‘No; you don’t understand, man. It’s all gone. Now, I have nothing,’ said the jumper.
‘Let me tell you bout nuhting. In Somalia, you live in mud hut or in street. When we slaughter goat, it is for food, clothing and football. We use head for football. Our weemen are taken by outlaws. Our men die very young in war. Many orphans,’ said Dalmar.
‘Jeez; I guess I don’t have it so bad after all. Wanna go for a beer or somethin’?’ asked the jumper.
‘You have no money…so I buy beer,’ said Dalmar.
‘Well, then, you can have my Pirates hat,’ said the jumper.
‘Dis no pirate hat,’ said Dalmar.
‘Sure it is. The big ‘P’ on the front stands for ‘Pirates’; the ‘Pittsburgh Pirates’. Let’s go for that beer. I’ll explain it better,’ said the jumper.
As they go through the window and back into the apartment, Dalmar looks down. Everyone on the ground is clapping and giving him the ‘thumbs up’. Dalmar shook his fist at them.
They got back to the station and Lou proclaimed, ‘Get on dinner. I’m so hungry, I could eat a goat,’ as he winked to Rook.
‘Goat tomorrow night and after, maybe we play some football,’ said Dalmar.
The next day, Rook went down the hallway to get Dalmar, Korfa and Nadif for truck detail. He opened the door and they’re gone…and so is the rubber, rescue raft. A note said, ‘Dalmar, Korfa, Nadif and Tim gone to Pitsbug’.
Rook went to Lou’s office and said, ‘They’re gone and the boat isn’t there either.’
Lou had his back to the door and was writing something on the white board. Rook went over and tapped Lou on the shoulder.
‘Did you hear me? The boat; it’s not there,’ said Rook.
Lou? Lou!
“Huh? Yeah; the boat’s gone”, said Lou.
“Boat? I was asking about the card table. What boat?” asked Rook.
“The pirate boat; the Somali pirates…” Lou darted past Rook and ran down the hallway to the supply room.
Lou opened the door and looked around the room. Everything as it should be, including the red, rubberized SALVAGE COVERS? The covers were no longer used for salvage but for auto extrication training.
Rook came up and asked, “You OK, Lou? You said something about goats and pirates before I woke you up. Were you having a little dream or something?”
“Yeah; something like that. There’s the card table over there. What do you want it for anyway?” asked Lou.
“Ah, the guys want to play Firefighter Monopoly® tonight”, said Rook.
ARRRRRT!
The article as submitted is published under The Adventures of Jake and Vinnie© umbrella and is the intellectual property of Art Goodrich a.k.a. ChiefReason. It is protected by federal copyright laws and cannot be re-printed in any form without expressed permission from the author. You may read other works by the author at www.chiefreasonart.com.
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